That's hilarious!

Our crack staff culled police reports, crime scenes, surveillance tape, and witness statements to come up with the following reasons that it’s best that the road to the Super Bowl will not go through Baltimore. Call it the Seven Plagues of Baltimore.

Rats: Perhaps the only things sloppier than the Ravens’ offensive play are the actual streets of Baltimore. The filthy avenues and alleyways of Charm City have proven wildly inviting to not just drug dealers, prostitutes, and muggers, but to rodents, tens of thousands of rodents. For more then 50 years, the city has struggled to do something about the infestation. Numerous rallies and clean-up efforts having proven futile though, as recent studies show that the massive rat population has remained unchanged in 50 years. Some Baltimore residents have just decided to accept their furry neighbors.

Disease: The Ravens traditionally put a great defense on the field, but the people of Maryland apparently don’t do the same in the boudoir. The city is considered the STD capital of America, and Maryland consistently ranks near the top in all the major categories -- second in congenital syphilis, fifth in primary syphilis, 14th in chlamydia. Baltimore is one of the few cities where the Lombardi trophy is actually in danger of developing untreatable sores.

Crime: The good news for Baltimore: Murders have been dropping steadily over the past few years. The bad news: Even with the drop, you’re still far more likely to be killed in Baltimore than just about anywhere else in America. In 2008, the city has its lowest number of murders in 20 years. That still left it at number one in the national murder rate rankings, just ahead of Detroit. Face it, the reality of Baltimore’s crime problem makes The Wire looks like something produced by the city’s tourism bureau.

DUIs: Sure, Pittsburgh’s mascot, got arrested for drunk driving, but you kind of expect that from a guy who spends all day in a giant foam costume. You don’t expect it from an NFL offensive line coach. Unless, of course, you’re coaching the Ravens offensive line, which typically leaves quarterback Joe Flacco scrambling like an innocent bystander at a Baltimore nightclub shooting.

Getting Away with Murder: In 2010, the NFL suspended Ben Roethlisberger for four games due to the mere allegation of a crime. He was never charged. The league also fined James Harrison $100,000 for a series of in-game hits, some of which didn’t even draw penalty flag. Yet in 2000, Ray Lewis pleaded guilty to criminal obstruction in a double-murder case (Lewis’ blood-covered white suit was never found). The penalty: A $250,000 fine and no suspension.

The Colts: The championships won by Baltimore’s first NFL franchise were largely due to a blunder by the Steelers. In the 1950s, the Steelers released a young quarterback named Johnny Unitas, who would go on to become an NFL legend and lead the Colts to two championships and a Super Bowl win. After Unitas left, though, the team became as crummy as in the city in which it played. In 1983, John Elway was drafted by the Colts, but given the choice between never playing pro football and playing in Baltimore, Elway chose the latter. He said he would rather pursue minor league baseball than play in Baltimore. The Colts traded him to Denver and the rest is history. In 1984, the team came to its senses and literally left town in the middle of the night, taking up residence in Indianapolis.

Insecure Fans: We know that you’ve only been a team since the mid-1990s, but it is really necessary for Baltimore bars to ban Steelers fans? This sign was spotted on a bar door Saturday: http://www.flickr.com/photos/everupward/5362069716/